


1:27

by sockiesock



Series: 7th grade bois (and girls) [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Gay Michael, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Michael has two moms, Panic Attack, Pining Michael, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, jeremy knows hebrew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-19 00:14:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11885859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sockiesock/pseuds/sockiesock
Summary: He was in math class when he first noticed it. It was 1:27 exactly, Michael recalls. They had just gotten back from lunch.Multiply the numerator of the fraction to the whole number. Sixteen. Oh, and you're in love with Jeremy Heere.(warning; this involves vague references to a minor participating in sexual activities but i didn't tag it as underage because it's not a big part of the plot and it only mentions it)





	1:27

**Author's Note:**

> quick warning; michael has a bad (but quick) panic attack in this story!! it starts around "Jeremy stepped closer and put a hand on his friend's back [...]" and ends "Then everything went black"

He was in math class when he first noticed it. It was 1:27 exactly, Michael recalls. They had just gotten back from lunch.

 _Multiply the numerator of the fraction to the whole number. Sixteen. Oh, and you're in love with Jeremy Heere,_ his brain had told him.

He had glanced at his friend, sitting 2 rows and a column away from him to the top left.

Jeremy was biting his pencil as he erased about half of his page with one of those Iconic(tm) "for big mistakes" erasers.

Michael blushed and layed his head on his desk, millions of thoughts racing through his head.

_Should I tell him? Does this make me gay? Am I in love with him or is just a stupid small crush? Am I sure I even like him?_

He groaned quietly.

He glanced to his teacher, who was helping a student with their work, and walked up to Jeremy's desk.

"Jer?"

"Hm?" the pale boy looked up at his friend, pausing a doodle of Christine.

"I need to talk to you about something. After school."

"Okay."

"Okay," Michael nodded, about to walk back to his desk when Jeremy grabbed his oversized hoodie sleeve.

"Wait, while you're here, can you help me with a problem?"

Michael rolled his eyes and kneeled next to his friend. "Okay, I guess."

* * *

"Hey, Michael," Jeremy called.

"Eh?" Michael turned.

"You said you needed to talk."

"What? Oh, yeah, uh, shit, um."

"You okay?"

Michael nodded. "Mm, I'm fine, I just, uhm.." He looked behind himself. "Uh, I think my moms are here and so like, I gotta blast—"

"But your moms' car isn't here.."

"I'll talk to you later Jeremy, okay? See you!" The tall boy waved.

"Um.. bye??"

Luckily, Michael's moms arrived just then so he could get outta there.

* * *

_ring, ring_

Michael stared at his phone, fear in his eyes. The name 'jErEmY' followed with a trail of stupid emojis lit up the screen as the iPhone 4 vibrated and rang.

When the call dropped, Michael sighed with relief.

When his phone vibrated again, he only half-panicked. At least if he was gonna come out to his friend, he didn't have to actually _talk_.

**jErEmY: Michael what the hell is wrong with you today?**

**mIkEy: Jeremy I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind and I'm kind of freaking out rn**

**jErEmY: What's wrong?**

**mIkEy: I can't tell u**

**jErEmY: What  
jErEmY: Why**

**mIkEy: I just cant**  
**mIkEy: Look....  
mIkEy: I'll try to explain everything tommorrow at school ok**

**jErEmY: Tommorow's Saturday**

**mIkEy: Shit..**

**jErEmY: Dude, dont swear! My mom reads my texts**

**mIkEy: Well damn Jeremy, it's not my fault your parents are over protective freaks  
mIkEy: shit fuck dick cock ass **

**jErEmY: You suck**

**mIkEy: :-)**

Michael put down his phone and laid down on his bed, groaning.

He stayed there for a minute or two, wondering what to do next. He texted Jeremy one more thing.

**mIkEy: Can you actually com over plz?**

He didn't wait for a response, just went upstairs to get a snack.

When Jeremy arrived, instead of explaining anything, Michael just decided to play video games with Jeremy. Which was nice.

* * *

Michael hated himself. Why was he in love with his best friend? Why couldn't he be in love with a girl, like Jeremy was?

He tried to force himself to like girls. He tried everything.

Watching lesbian porn, kissing girls (he actually kissed his cousin because there was no other girls he could think of to kiss, but we're just going to ignore that fact), hell, he almost got to third base with a girl because he was so desperate to be straight (luckily his cousin had to leave before that point).

But no matter what, he always found himself wanting to be with Jeremy. 

And it kept getting worse. It used to be just a little crush that made Michael blush or feel good when Jeremy smiled or laughed, or did anything cute.

Then it turned into thoughts of wanting to kiss Jeremy, hold hands with him, do gay stuff like that.

But then horrifyingly, and all of a sudden, Michael started thinking of Jeremy _sexually_.

Usually, Michael wouldn't care about sexual thought of his classmates. That was normal for a 13-year-old, after all. But the fact that it was _Jeremy Fucking Heere_ , his _male_ best friend of _8 fucking years_ , that made it unbearable.

He had started to self harm. Whenever he thought of Jeremy in a gross way, he would cut a bright red line in one of his arms.

He decided to take the matter to his parents. After all, they were both gay and would probably be the least judgemental towards Michael for his feelings.

"Mama?" He had said, sitting next to one mom, who sat on the couch.

"Yes, Michael?"

"I think I'm gay."

"Is that so?" His mom raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah," Michael nodded. "What do I do?"

"What do you mean, 'what do you do'?"

"I don't wanna be gay, mama.."

His mom tilted her head. "Why not?"

Michael took a deep breath. "Because, I... I keep thinking of Jeremy in a.. weird way. And I don't like doing that."

His mom gave a a soft and reassuring smile. "Honey, you're a growing boy. Of course you're going to think of things like that, there's nothing wrong with it."

The preteen furrowed his eyebrows. "But — it's my _boy_ best friend I'm thinking about!"

"Would you feel guilty if Jeremy was a girl and you were thinking of him like that?"

Michael thought. "..No."

"Then you shouldn't feel guilty because he's a boy. Now, I'm going to make dinner. What do you want?" His mom got up and walked to the kitchen.

"I'm not hungry... But thanks."

That didn't help at all.

* * *

Michael decided to ask his online friend, Ben, for advice.

Ben was an older dude (16 or something, Michael thinks) so he was wiser and probably knew what to do.

He opened Instagram (where he met the boy) and sent a message.

**MikeyMell: Hey, Ben.**

**pussi420: hey mike. whats up**

**MikeyMell: I need your help with something...**

**pussi420: okay ?**

**MikeyMell: I think I'm gay but I don't want to be.**

**pussi420: why not ?**

**MikeyMell: Because its making me think of my friend weirdly**

**pussi420: you mean Jeremy?**

**pussi420: or me**

**MikeyMell: Jeremy**

**pussi420: okay**

**pussi420: well**

**pussi420: you could try praying to god or something**

**MikeyMell: My family doesnt believe in God...**

**pussi420: well maybe you should start**

**pussi420: idk why you would care though. being gay isn't a big deal**

**pussi420: and aren't you like, 11 or something?**

**MikeyMell: 13**

**pussi420: so yeah. you're a kid. its probably just a phase**

**pussi420: no need to get your panties in a twist**

**MikeyMell: I hope so**

**MikeyMell: Thanks Benny**

**pussi420: yeah, whatever**

Michael hoped it really was a phase. And that it would be over soon.

That night, just before he went to bed, Michael said a prayer.

"Hi, God. I'm sorry for never believing in you before. I believe in you now, though. Can you help me with something? I'd like for you to make me not gay. If you do that, I'll..." Michael thought for something that religious people did. "I'll learn Hebrew! I know someone who knows Hebrew, and I'm a fast learner. I already know three languages! —Wait, you probably know that already. Welp. But yeah. If you make me straight, I'll learn Hebrew. Thanks, God! Amen... or, uh, however I'm supposed to end this."

He laid down and smiled, satisfied. He set his glasses on his bedside table and fell asleep.

* * *

When he woke up, the first thing Michael did (besides putting his sticky boxers in his laundry basket and getting new ones) was call Jeremy.

"Ngff," Jeremy grumbled.

"Hey Jeremy! Did I wake you?"

"Yeah, kind of. But it's fine. What's up?"

"Can you teach me Hebrew?"

"What? Why?"

"I wanna learn! Can you? Please? I'll be your best friend~!"

"...Dude, we already are best friends."

"Shhh, just please?"

"I dunno, I'm not a good teacher."

"I'm a good learner, though! Even the shittiest teacher could teach me!"

"...Fine, but only if you pay me."

"I'll give you my whole allowance."

"Nice. Thanks."

"You're welcome. So, um, bye!"

"Yeah. Bye. Love you."

Michael was seconds away from hanging up when he froze from that line.

"You — what?"

"Wha?"

"You said you love me."

"Wh — oh! Crap! Jesus, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it - it's really early and—"

Even though he couldn't see him, Michael could tell Jeremy's whole face was red. He laughed.

"Haha, dude, it's fine. I love you too I guess. No homo."

"Yeah, um, no homo."

"Okay. Later."

"See you, Michael."

Michael hung up and smiled excitedly. For the first time in weeks, he was happy.

* * *

Michael stared at Jeremy, practically entranced. He was barely paying attention — how could he? He was way too excited and way too gay.

"Okay, and um..." Jeremy bit his pencil and wrote down a word in Hebrew. "That would be — you're not even looking at it. Are you paying attention?"

Michael averted his eyes from Jeremy's face. "Um, yes, no? Uh, kind of. That's uhm, that says Hebrew. In Hebrew."

Jeremy looked from Michael to the word he wrote. "Um... yes. Good."

"Can we take a break?" Michael offered.

"Sure. You wanna get snacks and I'll set up a game?"

"Sure," he nodded, getting up and going to Jeremy's kitchen.

They had tons of food in there (finally), Michael assumes for Jeremy's rapidly approaching Bar Mitzvah thing.

Michael grabbed some doritos and a can of Dr. Pepper and Coca-Cola. Then he sat there, in thought.

"I can't go on like this," he said to only himself. "Maybe I could fake my death and run to Canada. I hear it's nice there."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Or I could..." He shook his head. "You can't fucking do that, Michael! Can't fucking kill yourself over a crush! You can't leave him, you piece of shit!" He slammed his head on the kitchen counter and started cry.

"Why can't I be normal."

"Hey, Michael? Are you okay?" Jeremy called, stepping into the kitchen.

"No," Michael admitted.

"What's wrong? Are you crying?" Jeremy stepped closer and put a hand on his friend's back, who jumped away from the touch.

"Fuck." Michael said. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." Michael felt his heart practically stop, it was so hard to breath.

"Michael?"

He fell to the ground, choking on air. He felt like he was going to die. He knew he was, right then and there. His tears burnt at his eyes, it felt like they were acidic.

Jeremy was talking, he could tell — but he couldn't hear what he was saying.

"Fuck," he muttered one more time.

Then everything went black.

* * *

"...be fine, Jeremy. I'm sure. He's had panic attacks before."

"Yeah, but never this bad.."

"...Yeah."

Michael blinked. "What the fuck," he said.

Jeremy and Michael's mom looked at him, relief on both of their faces.

"Mikey, you're up!" Jeremy grinned, running to his friends side.

Michael felt his heart rate quicken, and his breathing threatened to stop.

"Go away," Michael said simply, and Jeremy did so, after having a second to be confused. He assumed Michael just needed time to heal or something.

"Michael, are you alright?" his mom asked, kneeling by his side.

He started crying. "I want to die, mama. I deserve to die."

" _No digas eso_ ," his mom said, a soft and concerned look on her face. She lightly stroked his hair. " _¿Que pasó?_ "

"I love him," Michael choked. " _Duele mucho._ "

"Love is very painful, Michael."

"I know. I wish it wasn't."

His mom nodded. "Everyone does. Do you want to take a nap?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Do you wanna stay here or go back home first?"

Michael's heart threatened to falter when he realized he was still in Jeremy's house. "Home, home!" He yelled.

"Okay."

* * *

"Yeah, that was all really wild. You're okay now, though, right?" Jeremy had asked, days later, as he sat in Michael's basement.

"I... I guess."

"What made you freak out though?"

Michael thought. "I think it was you."

Jeremy almost gasped. " _Me?_ What did I do?"

"Exist," Michael said. "You existed and you were beautiful and handsome and kind and weird and dorky and adorable and you made me fall in love with you." But he didn't say that.

"Are you serious right now?"

"Yeah."

"So you were upset because I exist?"

"Yeah."

Jeremy scoffed and stood up and went to leave the room without saying another word.

"Hey, wait, Miah, where are you going?"

Jeremy didn't answer, only said, "I'll see you tomorrow, Michael."

"What —" Michael started, but then he was gone.

Michael cried himself to sleep.

* * *

"Michael?"

Michael looked at his friend, who had a concerned look on his face. He vaguely remembered what had happened last night.

"What are those... cuts on your arm?"

Michael looked at his arms. No one had ever noticed them before. Not even his moms.

"Cat."

"You don't have a cat."

"There was a stray that keeps attacking me whenever I go outside."

Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows. "Michael."

Michael didn't answer, only looked away silently.

"Michael," Jeremy repeated.

"Go away."

"Why do you do that to yourself?"

" _Go away._ "

Jeremy nodded. "O - okay." He gave a weak smile to Michael. Michael saw it but didn't smile back.

"I care about you, Michael."

Michael didn't answer.

* * *

"I'm in love, Jeremy."

Jeremy raised his eyebrows. "With who?"

"...Someone."

"Who? Are they why you're acting all weird all the time?"

"Yeah."

"What's her name? Tell me!"

Michael almost laughed when Jeremy called his crush a her.

He wanted to tell Jeremy. He was so scared though. He said it but changed it quickly.

"You _Christine_."

"Christine!?" Jeremy choked.

"Yeah."

"So that's why I've been freaking you out lately. Because I like her too!"

"Uh-huh. Yeah."

"Oh. I'm sorry. You can.. have her."

Michael looked at Jeremy like he just said "You can cut off my legs."

"...She'll never like me. You're funny and nice and more outgoing than me."

"...No, Jeremy."

"Huh?"

Michael put his hands on Jeremy's arms and looked down. "You're funny, and nice, and cute, and handsome.. you should have her. If you ever get the courage."

"Gah — I don't know about all that, Mikey." Jeremy blushed and averted his eyes. "Do you — do you really mean it, though?"

"Yeah, man. I swear."

They smiled at each other.

"Thanks, Michael."

"Yeah. I... uhm, I love you, man."

Their eyes met and they both blushed dark.

"...Yeah. I love you too."

They decided no "no homo"s were necessary.

**Author's Note:**

> i used google translate on the spanish parts because i am a fool !!! please tell me if i need to correct something !!!
> 
> and for other people who are also fools,  
> no digas eso = dont say that
> 
> que pasó = what happened
> 
> duele mucho = it hurts so much
> 
> anyway, sorry if some parts of this seem rushed or too short or too long or if i just rambled and it doesn't make sense, i was sort of just going wherever it took me and it kinda took me all over the place  
> and honestly i don't know where all this angst came from? i did not plan for this much angst when i was writing this. lmao
> 
> anyway yeah. i hope you enjoyed this


End file.
